


Mother henning is a full time job

by Parissnow



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Because of Reasons, Bucky 'Mother Hen' Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Is TIRED, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky is done, Bucky would like some help, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, James 'Stop that' Rhodes, M/M, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Steve 'fight me' Rogers, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Swap your disaster bff's, Swearing, They're seeing how the other dumbass's live, Tony 'for science' Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, everyone is trying their best, rhodey is done, they swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:07:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26890375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parissnow/pseuds/Parissnow
Summary: Bucky would like everyone to know that none of this is his fault.Rhodey would like to second that.They would very much like to blame their respected dumb ass.In which Bucky and Rhodey are positive that they have the hardest best friend to keep alive and a bet leads them to trade best friends to prove their point.The fires in both the kitchen and the lab were also not their fault.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark
Comments: 84
Kudos: 342
Collections: Assassin Twins + Tony, Avengers as Family, Ultimate Favorites





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most self indulgent thing I have ever written.

It began as most ridiculous things in Bucky’s life tend to. With Steve fuckin ‘fight me’ Rogers getting on his last nerve. And Bucky would take that to the damn grave. Or Stevie’s, in the much more likely case. 

Point being here. Bucky does not actually tend to get  _ himself  _ in stupid situations. He just wanted a simple life. Go out with a couple of pretty dames, settle down and maybe become a mechanic if he was lucky enough.

But no.

No due to some unfortunate twist of fate, he just had to meet a scrawny beanstalk of a kid that a gust of wind could take down. And his mother hen instinct  _ raged. _

And then the Tiny Dumbass opened his stupid mouth to Johnny V THE BIGGEST KID IN THE DAMN SCHOOL. But it was too late. The mother hen instinct couldn’t be stopped after it was opened. Bucky should know he  _ tried. _

You’d think that falling to your almost death and becoming HYDRA’S murder puppet for 70 years might have made the universe cut him some damn slack.

Yet here he is.

“A window.” He states blandly. Eyebrow arched.

Steve has the decency to blush at least. “I may have slightly panicked.”

Yeah, that’s definitely not an acceptable answer. He takes what he hopes is a calming breath and folds his arms.

“You, the apparent ‘master tactician’ tried to attack someone. With a window.” 

“In my defence-”

But Bucky cuts him off before he can even attempt to justify that decision. Because apparently when Stevie's body tripled in size so did his damn  _ nonsense. _

“You have cuts all over your body, you tried to use a window as a mallet. YOU HAVE NO DEFENSE.” And yep there’s that horrible glint in his eye. The one that spells problems.

Bucky fucking hates that glint.

“I stopped him didn’t I!”

Like that’s a valid argument. Like having a shard of glass going  _ through  _ his arm is fine. Like this gigantic moron doesn’t carry around a damn shield everywhere he goes. Like he can’t already knock out any normal human easily-

A duo knock on the common room door is the only thing that stopped his eye from twitching.

James Rhodes pops his head through the door with a firm, professional look on his face. Forcing both him and Stevie to straighten.

“Sorry to bother you fella’s.” He said coolly.

Steve gushed, clearly embarrassed by being called out with in earshot of another teammate. Serves the punk right.

“No, no it’s no worries Colonel Rhodes.” He waves. “Me and Bucky were just, uh-”

Rhodes if possible gives him an even more judgemental look. Clearly noticing how the idiot looks like a very aggressively destroyed pinata.

“You’re bleeding on the floor Cap.” He states, like he’s talking about the weather. “That floor is expensive. Go get your ass to medical.”

Well that clearly wasn’t a suggestion. And from the looks of it, Stevie knows it to. He locks eyes with Bucky and then to the floor. And to Bucky’s complete shock nods his head.

“Uhm, yeah, I’ll uh do that.” And all but launches himself out the room, his blush rising to his damn ears. 

Bucky can do nothing but stare after him, eyes bulging from his head. 

“How the hell did you do that?” He asks. Awe clear in his voice.

Rhodes just gives him an easy grin as he enters the room, passing him one of the beers he’d apparently been hiding behind his back as he makes himself comfortable on the couch.

“Please I can hear a dumbass within a 30 mile radius.” He laughs, taking a swig. “I was just happy it wasn’t  _ my  _ dumbass.”

Bucky’s heart flourished.

Because he thinks that finally, finally someone might understand.

But then like everything in his life since Steve fuckin Rogers, it’s fleeting.

At this point he should know he can’t have nice things.

“Consider yourself lucky. Mine’s  _ waaaay _ worse.”

Now, Bucky’s not a proud man, there’s not much he stands for in life anymore. And as previously mentioned, he would just like a simple life, please and thank you. But that is crossing the damn line.

“You’ve got to be joking.” He states, but the colonel just arches an eyebrow in challenge. And he can go to hell if he thinks Bucky isn’t up to bat. “Stevie elected to be experimented on. By a crazy German scientist. In world war 2.”

Rhodes didn’t even blink. “Tones built a flying suit of armour, in a cave. Whilst being tortured.”

Bucky laughed. “So you’re saying you’re dumbass is a dumbass, because he’s a genius? That’s weak man.”

Rhodey bristled at that. “Hey a dumbass genius is 100% worse than a dumbass dumbass. Anyway isn’t yours supposed to be a master tactician or something?”

“Would a master tactician storm an enemy base, by himself.”

“Would a genius pretend he wasn’t dying for 6 months and have a master plan of just letting his suit of armour just take his corpse away?”

“Point.” Bucky conceded. “Better than just flying a plane into the arctic. And accidentally freezing yourself for 70 years. But a solid point.”

“That is pretty dumb.” He agreed. “But is it flying a nuke into a worm hole dumb?”

“At least he can actually fly. Stevie can’t.” He says blankly. “Doesn’t stop ‘im continuously jumping out of planes without a parachute though does it?”

“Tony gave his home address to a terrorist.”

“All of this is riveting but literally today Stevie tried to use a window as a weapon. So it’s over.” Bucky states with an air of finality. Even though  _ Jesus Stark _ . “Mine is consistently a dumbass. Yours only does it on special occasions.”

The cackle that escaped Rhodes sounded nowhere close to human. “You couldn’t last two minutes trying to keep Tones alive.”

Which excuse you. Is a ridiculous statement. If Bucky can handle all 6 foot sadness of over muscled asshole that is Steve Rogers he is perfectly capable of a tiny businessman who has more that 2 damn brain cells. And he says as much.

The glint was back. This time on a different set of eyes.

Bucky really really hated that fucking glint.

“Wanna bet?”


	2. Chapter 2

  
  


Bucky did not in fact want to bet. But he’s big enough to accept when a situation runs away from him. He’s also aware that someone classed as a physical nightmare to a decorated air force Colonal may actually be a challenge. On the other hand Rhodes had never had to deal with Stevie. So he’s still pretty sure he’s got this in the bag. The point is, this all lead him to here.

“I, am taking a leave of absence.” He stated, staring dead eyed at Steve lounging on the couch.

“Uhm Buck?” Steve replied, putting his art supplies down slowly. “You haven’t been cleared for being an avenger yet? There’s nothing to take a leave from.”

“Me and Rhodes are swapping.” He replied, not dignifying that with an answer. “Congrats you’ve got a new babysitter as of an hour ago.”

The indignant sound that came out of Stevies mouth as he launched himself to his feet will keep him in a good mood for  _ weeks.  _ “You can’t just trade us like we’re toddlers! You haven’t even  _ met _ Tony.”

Bucky shrugged. “We can and we have. I will be keeping a small genius alive and Rhodes is taking your dumb ass.”

“Bucky we have bigger problems than this, we have to-”

“Naha!” Bucky shouted, hands going to his ears. Making a swift exit. “That is a Rhodes problem. I am in no way a Rhodes. Please go find your designated babysitter.”

“You’re my bestfriend! You can’t just ignore-” Bucky reminded himself to thank Stark for making private areas sound proof as he made his way back to the communal floors.

He very much considered changing his plan when he saw Natasha arms crossed as she laid across one of the plush couches of the common living room seemingly trying to murder whatever was in front of her with her gaze. Must be a bad day. He knew they all had them, can’t get through as much trauma as they all had with out them. But when those eyes came to glare at him his need to run hit ten fold. The grumbling russian threats did not help matters  _ at all. _

He let out a deep breath, monitoring her movements and resided himself to his fate. He had to wait for Rhodes here. That was the plan. It was designated team movie night and they’d agreed it was the best time for each of them to slip into their new roles. Even though Bucky had yet to go to one, both crowds and the potential threats still setting his teeth on edge. He could do this. Even with a murderous Black Widow sitting opposite him.

So he just gave her a subtle nod and resided himself to his very uncomfortable fate. Until Rhodes finally showed. Holding his list of rules high above his head.

“The genius dumbass guide.” He said grandly. “Treat it with absolute respect.”

Bucky just about held his snort as he fished his own list from his jeans. “Dumbass Supersoldier, good luck pal.”

They shook hands in as much a gentlemanly way as they could manage. Both choosing to ignore the angry Russian in the room. Her anger only seeming to get worse when Bucky threw the new guide straight into his jeans.

“So where’s ya boi?” Rhodey asked when they’d made themselves comfy on the couch beers in hand.

“Stevies a nuisance, but he’s punctual, should show up on time, Where's  _ your boy _ ?”

Rhodey nods, “Where do you think?”

Bucky tries to answer, but he’s beaten to the punch.

“He’s in the workshop. Still. Where he has been. For  _ forty two _ hours.”

Bucky’s mouth opens, closes, opens. “YOU GAVE ME A SLEEP DEPRIVED GENIUS. THAT'S NOT FAIR.”

Rhodes however is having none of it. “You try and get him to sleep! The man has skynet on his side!  _ Skynet.  _ Jarvis dude I love you but god damn you need to help a brother out!”

For how much he knows Jarvis is a computer, he can almost feel the scorn in the voice when he says “Sir’s vitals are fine and im insulted that you would even consider that I would allow sir to do so if his health was at risk.”

One thing Bucky didn’t expect from Rhodes was to see the colonel sulk like a child. Muttering threats of skynet and the unfairness of Tony building things to gang up on him.

Bucky was more concerned that it was things  _ plural _ . Exactly how many robots was he going to have to avoid?

But the thought paled in interest when he saw Steve arrive, he watched as he stopped deer caught in head lights as he glanced between Bucky, the distinctly threatening assassin that radiated do not come closer energy and the empty love seat. Clearly heading for the third option until Rhodes shot that dream away.

“Where are you going?” Rhodes questioned, eyebrow raised in challenge as he patted the seat beside him. “You are my designated white boy head ache for now on. Sit down.”

“I am a Captain-”

“And I am a colonel. I out rank you, and I got my ranks  _ correctly. _ Now Sit. Down.”

Stevie looked like he wanted to argue further but the steel in the other mans eyes showed it to be a losing battle. And Stevie for once in his life gave in. Sinking onto the other side of the couch, arms firmly folded.

“I want everyone to know I did not agree to this, and I do not need a babysitter.”

Rhodey barely gave him a glance. Just nudged his arm. “Stop having a tantrum like a child then.”

The hurt look Bucky was given showed exactly what Captain America thought of that. He didn’t try to justify it, just let the silence linger as the other members of the team trickled through the door. Each giving Natasha the same wide birth as Bucky had. With the exception of Clint. Who seemed to take the floor in front of her couch in what could only be described as a guarding gesture. Unsurprising. They waited another ten minutes as everyone got situated but Tony was still no where to be seen.

“Should we start the movie without him-” A large growl from Nat stopped Bruce in his tracks. “Of course we shouldn’t that would be very rude of us.”

As if the mere thought of him summoned him from the lab Tony staggered through the elevators. Or Bucky assumed it was Tony. His chestnut hair sticking at all angles while he wiped at his eyes with an MIT sweatshirt that was clearly too big to be his own. Theres a purple tipped bow in his other hand and Bucky wonders if he’s forgotten about it. If it’s now his job to remove it before the sleep deprived genius impales himself. But the second he thinks it he can let out his worried brief as he walks past Clint patting his head and offering the man the arrow with a muttered, “Glitter, goes boom.” And Clint looks _ecstatic_ at that revelation. Bucky likes to think he’d have worried more about that. If it wasn’t for the fact the tiny exhausted genius took one look at Natashas murder face and proceeded to _launch his_ _entire body at hers._

Not even supersoldier speed can stop it. Bucky knows. He tried. Because this  _ idiot _ has been in Buckys care for ten fucking seconds and he’s already getting himself murdered by the black widow.

“Sorry!” He shouts as he goes to somehow remove the octopus currently around Natashas body. “I’ll just grab him off-”

Natasha has a knife in her hand in an instant. From where god only knows but its pointed directly at Bucky’s neck with extreme prejudice, a hiss coming from her lips.

Tony, who at this point should definitely be OFF OF the murderous assassin peels an eye open to examine why he’s being justled around. He looks from Nat’s face, to the knife, to Bucky, back to the knife. Scrutinizing the situation. Only for him to slip a hand in to his back pocket. And Bucky has a hope that it’ll be something to stabilize the nightmare he’s currently in. Like all things in Bucky’s life it’s never that simple.

He instead goes for the knife the Black Widow wields, that she gives to him freely. Which alone had Bucky shocked. Only to replace it with a much newer much sharper knife. Its beautiful really, with red lining the matte black and a point that he’s sure could cut through bone. Tony just nods, contented. Like he hasn’t just made his new babysitters death even more imminent, and goes back to closing his eyes.

Nat just about  _ coo’s _ at the genius as she examines the new weapon. Bucky forgotten to live another day. He makes his way back to his seat starring in confusion as the previously dangerous Widow goes on to cuddle the genius. It must show in his eyes, because Rhodes quickly takes pity on him.

“Rule three my dude. The spyssassins  _ love  _ Tony. Don’t know why. Don’t want to know why. But they’re crazy protective.”

Maybe Bucky will have a better look at that list after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just. I don't know.

If there was one thing Bucky had learnt from his extensive look at the  **Tony Stark rule book** **TM** it was that he had to get into the workshop. Which to his knowledge seemed simple enough. But he’d forgotten the main rule of the avengers as a whole. If it seemed simple it was anything but.

Which was why he was currently staring at the glass door, watching Stark tinker alone from the hallway floor. Definitely not pouting.

“What are you doing?” Stevie questions, eyebrow raised about an hour into his clearly not moping time.

“I need to get into the workshop.” He states blandly, eyes not leaving the door in the hope he can will it open with his mind.

“So? Just open the door.”

The colossal eye roll he made almost gave him a headache. “Spectacular advice there Stevie. I’ll have to give it a try.”

The gigantic shit eating smirk that crept up his face made Bucky want to hit him. A lot.

“You don’t have access do you?”

The glare only intensified. “He keeps looking right at me. He knows I’m here. He knows I know he knows I’m here. He’ll have to give up or leave eventually. I know he does. It’s  _ fine. _ ”

Steve nods along the grin never leaving his face. “Definitely, shouldn’t take too long. Hey Jarvis whats the longest time Tony’s stayed in the workshop?”

“That would be roughly seventy two hours Captain.” Jarvis’s court but pleasant voice answers.

Stevies eyebrows go high in mock shock. “Well that seems like quite a while.”

“I am one of the most deadly and terrifying assassins in history. If he doesn’t want to open the door within a reasonable time frame, I can find a way in.”

Honestly the only reason he hadn’t already done it was common courtesy to the genius. But his patience was already beginning to wear thin. 

“Absolutely.” Stevie nods again. “Or you could apologize to your best friend that actually  _ has _ access to said lab and he could  _ ask _ Tony to let you in.”

Bucky looked him up and down, “You have access to the workshop? You. They let you near technology?”

Stevie seemed to beam even brighter at that. “Tony’s one of my closest friends. Of course I have access to the workshop. Why do you think I’m down here.”

Bucky could feel a migraine coming on. He figured he should put some pressure towards his nose to at least try and avoid it.

“So you can go in there right now?”

“I can.”

“So  _ you _ could let me in.”

“Not without Tony’s say so. You’ll probably be attacked by his protocols.”

“Steven. Go and tell the mad inventor to let me in.”

“Why would I do that?” He questioned, deadpanned. “You’re not my Rhodes.”

“I will throw you back into the damn Antarctic Rogers. Do not test me.”

Stevie the absolute moron only looked smugger and smugger. “I  _ will _ ask. But I want you to state for the record that I do not, nor have I ever needed a babysitter.”

Bucky can’t believe there are people on this earth that still believe this man is human perfection. Or that they were willing to let him control  _ anything. _

He folds his arms tighter. Trying to stop his teeth from grinding. “You do not need a babysitter. Now go and get Stark to open the damn door.”

Stevie gave him a snort for good measure and waved his hand on the workshops keypad, the door opening for him instantly. 

Starks head popping up with a start. “Hey capsicle!”

“Tony.” Steve stated throwing a wink Bucky’s way just to dig it in deeper. And then he was gone, and Bucky was stuck watching the both of them talk from the outside. Feeling all too much like a grumpy stray cat.

They talked for a good fifteen minutes, Steve pointing in Buckys direction a few times only for Steve to return yet again, the door he noted closing very quickly on his heels.

Bucky giving him as much of a pointed look as a man sprawled on the floor commands.

“He said no.”

Bucky's mouth went wide. “What do you mean he said no?”

“He said no.” Steve repeats. “He is also very firmly in the not needing supervision way of thinking.”

The groan that leaves him is all too familiar and all too painful. “He can’t just say no.”

Stevie only shrugs as he turns toward the elevator, clearly thriving in Bucky’s pain. “He owns the building. He can do what he wants. I’m going to the gym now.” And like the horrible friend he is, leaves Bucky to suffer.

The glare at the locked door moves to focus on Tony. Who seems completely unfazed by the skulking assassins stare as he continues to tinker around with what seems to be Wilsons wings.

“I’m going to get in that damn room if it kills me.” He growls. 

  
  
  


It might actually kill him. He realises with a start as he watches someone sneak down through the vents into the workshop. Tony clearly not hearing them as they land on the floor. But Bucky’s up with a start, metal hand hitting the glass. But the genius doesn’t so much as blink. Just continues on with his project as the stranger who he can now clearly see is Clint, jumps onto the work table beside him, legs swinging as he talks animatedly about god only knows what.

Bucky has to fight the urge to tear his hair out, or simply scream into the abyss.

Because he chose sanity. He did that once and he will not be brought back down by  _ Clint Barton  _ of all people.

And because he chose sanity. He chose to see the potential this situation has given him.

So as any sane human being would, he heads to the closest vent as soon as Clint had scurried off to do god knows what.

“You do not have access to these vents Sergeant Barnes.” Jarvis chastises as he peels the metal lid from the wall.

“He is ridiculous and petty.” Bucky mutters not giving Jarvis’s warning a second thought. As he pushes his body into the vent. “He thinks he can just hide from me in his damn workshop.” He mutters, trying to remember the Towers plans he’d memorised his first day here. “I was the Winter Soldier.” He states, wiggling forward. “I am a damn ghost story. And this  _ idiot _ thinks he can hide from-” He turns a corner, to a slightly larger area, startled by a very large Archer lounging in what appears to be his own customised den of madness. Dorito halted in the air as he stares at Bucky in shock.

“What are you doing here? You’re not allowed up here.” Clint states.

And Bucky just doesn’t have the strength not to launch one of the  _ countless _ boxes of oreos at the mans face. “What are you doing here? You have your own damn apartment, why have you turned the vents into your own frat house!”

Clint gives him a death glare like he hadn’t somehow managed to bring what looks to be an air mattress into the tiny metal room. And with some unbeknown depth of confidence states, “I like to be tall.”

Bucky supposes there really wouldn’t have been an acceptable answer for his question. But he’d still very much like a different one.

“Seriously though dude you can’t be up here.” He states, deciding Bucky is much less interesting than his doritos. “They’re only coded to mine and Tony’s DNA. You go into a section of the building you’re not allowed in and the lasers will cut through you.”

_ What. _ “There are lasers.”

“Yup.”

“In the vents.”

“Mhm.”

“Clint.” Bucky all but growls. “Why are there lasers in the vents?” And woah yep, that migraines sneaking back.

“Tony made them bigger than average for me.” Clint shrugs. “I like eating snacks up high, plus I can throw blueberries into his mouth when he’s working.”

“Why are you throwing blueberries into his- actually you know what? No. I will not be sucked into your madness.” Bucky huffs. “Clint. Focus. Lasers. Why are there lasers?”

“Because if I can sneak around in them, so can anyone else.  _ Duh. _ ” Clint states rolling his eyes. “We’re the Avengers, we have a tone of enemies.”

Bucky hates that that makes sense. He hates that it’s generally a smart option and above all else he hates that he’s still no closer to the damn workshop.

He takes a deep breath. “Can you get me into the workshop?”

Clint eyes him suspiciously, taking another mouthful of doritos.

“Why don’t you just ask Tony?”

The huff that escapes is a feat of itself. “Because Tony won’t let me in.”

Clint laughs, laughs. At Bucky. Right in his face. “You picked the wrong dude, if Tony don’t want you in his space, that's not my problem.”

Bucky lets out a low growl as he maneuvers his body back into the direction he came.

Clint for what he’s worth shouts a “Stay out of my swamp!” throwing a pack of oreos back at him for good measure.

Bucky decides he should at least be able to have a snack in peace before he returns to his mission, he’s half way through his ham sandwich when both the god of thunder and The Black Widow make their way into the kitchen.

“Barnes.” Natasha nods, as she makes her way to her peppermint tea.

“Romanoff.” He returns, keeping his eyes firmly on his sandwich. The god it seems is not content for that to be the end of the conversation. As he shoulders his way beside him.

“You seem troubled my friend. What ails you?”

Bucky looks up at him, confused. He hadn’t really had many conversations with the god. And he certainly never seemed especially happy. But there Thor was, giving him his kindest smile and pleading eyes.

It was completely unfair that a mountain of a man could look that wholesome. 

Natasha though decided to answer for him. 

“He’s trying to get into Tony’s workshop.” She snorted. “Which if he’d previously asked, he would know is completely impenetrable.”

Bucky didn’t even question how she knew that information. He was already facing one losing battle today, let alone two.

Thor seemed to take her words in with a nod. “Aye many a villain have tried to take entry. None have succeeded.” He gave Bucky a sympathetic smile. “I too am banned from looking at its wonders.”

Bucky didn’t have an answer for that if he was honest. But he thought he may have given the god at least a glimmer of a smile.

“That’s because you’re an electrically fueled nightmare.” Natasha stated. Apparently not nearly as stunted by Thors niceness. “And you almost killed DumE.”

Bucky’s eyes widened at that. “Who the hell is DumE?”

Natasha just gave him a conspiritory smile as the god tried to make pleas of his innocence.

He’s back in his appointed moping corner wondering exactly how else to get into the workshop when god finally seems to give him a hail Mary.

“He’s a six foot, two child! An honest to god child! I can not believe I looked up to him as a kid. I want my time and my life back.” Rhodes shouts storming into the hallway his forehead creased painfully tight. With Stevie's shield held tightly to his side. He looks down in his raving to see a clearly defeated Bucky on the floor.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I-” But Bucky was stopped with a waved hand.

“Nevermind.” He stated. “I don’t care. I have my own problems.” He swipes his hand to the keypad, the door sliding open soundlessly and with all his force  _ launches  _ the shield into the room.

Tony screeches in reply as it makes impact with the wall. “I have a heart condition!”

“Yeah well I have a supersoldier aneurysm that’s going to blow any minute.” Rhodes shouts back. “Steve’s workshop privileges are revoked until I say so. Am I understood?”

“Roger that, Honeybear!” Stark replies, throwing in a salute for good measure. “Jarvis you get that?”

“Of Course sir.”

With a final nod to the room Rhodes slams the door closed.

Bucky thinks this might be his last shot for access and goes to ask-

“No.” Rhodes states. Not even letting him get a word in. “I don’t know what it is. I don’t care what it is. I have to go fix the damages that  _ your  _ boy caused.”

Bucky’s hands go up in surrender, definitely not wanting to get on the bad side of an angry Rhodes as he storms off towards the elevator.

He can admit to being both shocked and not when Stevie makes his way back to the workshop an hour later. Red faced and eyes down cast but still in one piece.

“If you’re lookin for your shield, it’s in the impenetrable fortress.” Bucky states, admittedly a little grumpier than necessary.

“Yeah, Jarvis said.” Stevie lets out a giant sigh as he slides down beside Bucky. “Think Tony will let me go and get it?”

“Wouldn’t know.”

“It wasn’t even my fault.” Steve huffs, 

Bucky just side eyes him.But he doesn’t budge.

“Seemed your fault when Rhodes dropped down here.”

“I was helping Peter!” He says. “He wanted to do a science project on the shields trajectory!”

“Right.” Bucky nods, “So?”

“So, it had to be in motion. That’s the point.”

Bucky blinks. “That’s reasonable. So why is Rhodes hair greying as we speak?”

“Well,” Steve stops, recomposing himself, even if the telltale bashfulness of his face gave him away. Bucky readjusted his arms, steading himself for the rodeo. “If it has to be moving all the time, and I mean we both have super strength, ya know me and Peter, so it made sense for us to…”

He trailed off but Bucky had had a lifetime with Steven Grant Rogers and he knew exactly where this was going.

  
  


“You played frisbee with a sixteen year old, using a three foot piece of the strongest metal known to man.” He arched his eyebrow. “Didn’t you?”

Steve looked away from him, finding the workshop the most interesting place in the world. Which it could be, but it’s not like Bucky would know.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds.” He states, stubborn till his dying breath. “No one got hurt and Peter has a great project!”

He nods in reply. “So why’d he confiscate the shield?”

Steve winces at that. “There may have been a few damages to the hallways.”

Wait, no. No way. “You did not. You did not play ultimate death frisbee inside the tower.” But Stevie’s eyes told a different story. “ _ Steve.” _

“I need my shield back.” He states, apparently done with the reminiscing part of the story. “What if we get attacked, I’d be weaponless.”

Bucky can’t believe the fucking balls of that statement alone. But as he keeps having to remind himself, it’s currently not his damn problem. “Okay sure, good luck with that pal. I mean I’ve been sitting here for about ten hours, but yes I’m sure your stupid ass will be the reason he finally cracks.”

For someone who was just filled with shame, Steve looks disgustingly smug. “I have a plan.”

“Of course you do.” Bucky huffs. “And it’s going to be stupid.”

  
  


Bucky doesn’t even blink when he sees Wilson turn the corner. “I told you. Stupid.”

“Shut your whore mouth Barnes.”

Bucky turns to Steve, “I take it he was also part of your frisbee adventure.”

Steve doesn’t get a word in as Wilson barks “I’m sorry we don’t talk to traitors.”

Bucky would usually be a lot more cutting. But sadly this might be his only option. After this hellish day he should’ve known it would all come down to Sam Fucking Wilson.

“As much as I love you bitching because I forced you to deal with an actual adult. You might actually be,” Bucky can barely get the words out. “My final hope.”

Wilson fucking  _ beams _ . “Ohoho really?”

“Steve.” Bucky whines. “Make that stop.”

Steve does not. “Oh so now you need  _ us. _ Where’s that babysitting spirit huh?”

This is it, this is how Bucky dies, surrounded by the biggest idiots the world had to offer. It was kind of nice in an odd sort of way. The clarity. 

“Yes. Please,  _ Please, _ get Stark to let me into his evil lair. I’m begging here.”

Wilson gives him a questioning look but it’s quickly wiped away as his smug grin returns.

“No, no I don’t think I will.” And he lets himself into the lab, collecting both his wings and the shield without Tony even glancing up from his project.

Both him and Steve leave him on the floor as they take their respected weapons. “Let us know when you give up and trade back punk!” 

Bucky’s fairly sure this is what insanity feels like.

“I need to get into that fucking lab,” He whispers. “I should be able to at least get into that fucking lab.”

But he can’t and he’s almost positive this is what pure unadulterated defeat tastes like. And Stark doesn’t even seem to be  _ trying. _

“Uh, hey Bucky? You okay there?” 

Bucky pears through his hands from the ball he’s become to see Banner of all people looking at him nervously.

“I just want to go into the lab.” He states, because it’s true and he is going to do it god damn it.

“Okay?” Bruce says soothingly, Bucky must be looking more fragile than he thought. “Come over to the keypad okay?”

Bucky nods, because that’s all he can think to do. As he stands on his feet. Bruce typing buttons on the little screen as he goes.

“You here to see Tony?” He asks a small smile on his lips.

Bucky nods.

“Cool. Put your hand on the keypad.”

Bucky does. The red light turning green after a few seconds. Then the door opening smoothly a second later.

Bucky stares.

“Great, you can come in whenever you want now.”

Bucky  _ stares. _

“Are you going to go in?”

And that’s his cue, Bucky storms through the room heading straight for his target. Jarvis informing him as he goes, causing Tony’s head to bop up.

“Oh hey Buckaroo what are you-” His glare stops him in his tracks. “Okay, either you have the most murderous resting bitch face I’ve ever seen or I’m in trouble.”

He stops a step away from the man. “Ten hours, _ ten hours _ I’ve been waiting outside that damn door!”

Tony has the audacity to look from him to the door. “Uhm okay? Now why didn’t you, and I’m just spitballing here. Come in?”

Bucky goes for the closest wrench on the table and barely manages to control himself.

“Because you wouldn’t let me in.” He grits out.

Tony’s face scrunches up in confusion. “I’ve never banned you from the workshop, you just needed a log in. I figured Capsicle would do that, you know super besties through time and all that.”

“No. Don’t give me that.” He says. Glare getting even larger. “Stevie asked you to let me in and you said no.”

Tony cocked his head towards the glass walls. “No, he asked me about the windows.”

“The windows? Really?” But Stark just nodded as a whizzing bot zoomed past them both disrupting his tools, and his interest was caught elsewhere.

“DumE you stupid pile of bolts, I swear to Thor-”

But Bucky had taped out, because with growing realisation and horror he turned to where Tony had nudged towards. The windows were black.

The windows were black.

It was one way glass.

“Why the  _ hell _ can you not see out of your windows?”

“I get distracted.” Tony shrugged, apparently finished with his scolding.

“Then why can people see  _ in?” _

“So people know I’m not in black out mode and can come with their gear.” There was a clear patronizing tone that Bucky really did not have the strength to deal with today. The same can be said for the mans stupid pout. “I’m the teams mechanic, I have to take walk ins.”

“I hate this. Everything you just said. I  _ hate. _ ” Bucky shouts falling onto the nearest work bench.

Tony just gives him a cheeky smile as Jarvis’ voice breaks the silence. “Sir you really must go and get ready if you’re to make the gala on time.”

“Oh yeah!” Tony jumps, “Well it was nice to see you winter wonderland but rich snobs and the money they keep await.”

What. Bucky’s head shoots up so fast he’s scared he’s got whiplash“I’ve been outside for  _ ten hours  _ and you’re just going to leave.”

But Tony’s already half way out the door his fingers wiggling over his shoulder. “Yup try to come in ten hours earlier next time, we can check your arm out or whatever. Toodles.”

Bucky resides himself to his fate. His head hitting the worktable with a resounding crack with a machined clap pats his back in sympathy.

One hour, a trip to Tony’s liquor cabinet and a very significant heist that just about kept Bucky’s pride alive led him to knocking on Rhodes door. Bottle of scotch in one hand and Shield in the other.

“They’re  _ idiots. _ ” He growled pushing himself through the door as soon as it was open.

Rhodes looking far too amused for the stress of today as he led him to his couch.

“They certainly are. Why you got that?” He asks nodding towards the shield Bucky abandoned in the middle of the living room.

“Revenge.” He replies blandly already taking a long sip of the scotch.

Rhodes for his part didn’t bat an eye. Just hummed. “And what have you been doing with your day?”

Bucky winced, taking another gulp. Just because he couldn’t get drunk didn’t mean he couldn’t try. “Spent ten hours trying to get into the lab.”

The cackle that escaped Rhodes was inhuman as he flopped beside him and took the bottle. “You’re kidding right? You’re a cyborg, fairly sure you’d have to fight Tony off with a stick for him to not want to look at that arm.”

“Yeah, well.” Bucky huffed glaring towards the discarded shield. “I was told differently.”

“Hence the vengeance.” 

“Hence the vengeance.” Bucky repeated.

**“** Well to be fair how much worse can it get?”

_ God fucking damn it Rhodes. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need you all to know that 90% of the time when I write this, I’m hammered.

Bucky still felt  _ useless _ . He was onto day three of his designated Stark watch and he’d still barely managed a conversation with the man. And if he was anything like Stevie, that may be all he can get. So he decides, not getting much sleep anymore, to head to the workshop and wait for the genius there at about five am.

He just hadn’t expected for the man to beat  _ him _ there.

“Barnes,” The man chimes as the door opens, the heavy thrumming music in the air lowering considerably. “What brings you to my lair?”

He was fresh faced at least, hair still wet from a shower even if the Stark industries T-shirt he was wearing had clearly seen better days.

“Me? It’s Five AM, what are  _ you  _ doing here?”

Tony cocked his head, a grin forming even while his fingers continued to dance around holograms. “Upgrades, all the upgrades. You want one Tasty Freeze?”

Bucky snorted at that, “Unless you can upgrade this.” He states, pointing to his noggin. “I don’t think anyone’ll let me near anything any time soon.”

Tony just shrugged, eyes never leaving his project. “BARF removed any and all triggers, super serums repairing any lasting damages, minus a shit tone of therapy, you’re ready to lock and load and be the terminator you always wanted to be.”

Bucky  _ stared _ . Not that the genius seemed to take any notice. “How do you- Thats confidential information!”

Tony just shrugged again, not even Bucky’s psyche being as interesting as whatever his latest project was. “Who do you think made BARF? Gotta know the facts if I have to calibrate it to someone.”

And that- Just, Bucky just, he knew someone had to have made the machine. He knew that. But somehow, he just never put the pieces together that that someone would’ve been  _ Iron man. _ So sue him.

He feels himself dropping to the couch beside him with a groan. “You. Upgraded. My brain.”

Tony does stop then, if only to give Bucky the most scandalized look he’d ever seen. “I did no such thing! I gave you an algorithm so you could disclose any and all triggers and learn to desensitize to them.” He pointed. “If anything  _ you _ upgraded your own brain.”

Bucky's hands went up by instinct, in a clear show of unarmed. “Wasn’t complainin, you made my brain my own. I owe you a thanks is all.”

But Tony clearly wasn’t seeing it that way. “Upgraded his brain, like I’m some evil biologist  _ hack. _ ” He muttered. Swiping his current holograms away from him. As he searches his other files. “This is about Ultron isn’t it? Its always fucking Ultron! You make one murder bot,  _ one. _ And suddenly the cyborg thinks you’re out to get him!”

“That’s not what I was trying to-”

“Bruce never has to deal with this shit!” He yells throwing an accusatory finger at Bucky.

“Stark, calm down, I was just trying to-” Jesus was the man defensive. As he all but flung a hologram towards Bucky.

“If I was going to upgrade you, it wouldn’t be your  _ brain _ Barnes.”

Which, yeah Bucky’s starting to realise he may have definitely used the wrong choice of words but he- “Is that an  _ arm?” _ He all but shouts, staring at the hologram in pure disbelief. “When the hell did you have time to design an  _ arm? _ ”

He had no idea Stark could get even more defensive. “If you must know it’s not finished yet.” He states nose in the air, arms folded. “It needs more customisation towards your body and the pointer finger laser keeps over heating. Plus you might not even want the arm so-”

Bucky’s eyebrows rise to his forehead. “Exactly how many lasers do you have in this tower?”

“Irrelevant.” Stark waves off. Which Bucky fully disagrees with. But he can't push his luck quite yet.

“So, were you ever going to show me this?”

Another shrug. “Figured you’d come and ask if you wanted one, It’s your arm so it’s not like I’m going to push it.”

Well that’s, Bucky supposes that’s fair. Nice even. “Thanks Tony.” He says.

And the little smile Tony gives him in return makes it pretty worth it as the genius heads back to his work bench. “Feel free to check out the schematics as much as you want and let me know if you want any changes. No pressure.” And then he’s back to work, leaving Bucky to stare at the arm.  _ His _ arm he supposed.

It’s a couple of hours later when Bucky can finally admit he’s bored, Tony still neck deep in his projects and having apparently forgotten Bucky was there. Which was fine, he was a grown man and could definitely keep himself occupied.

“Hey Tony?” Okay so maybe he couldn’t. “What ya working on?”

“Hmmm?” Tony replies looking up from his bench. “Oh Barnes, hey, thought you left.”

Bucky figured, honestly. Which is why he walked towards the bench examining the electrics in Tony’s agile hands. Leaning to get a closer look.

“What’s that?”

“Widow bites.” He murmurs. Hand waving towards the hologram by his side. “New update keeps shorting out, leaving Nat at risk.”

Bucky thought that was permission enough to check the hologram himself. Manipulating the image so the insides were visible.

Tony squinted at him. “How do you know how to work my holograms?” He questioned. “They’re mine, only mine. As in I’m the only one who has them.”

Bucky nods at him, “Been watching you use them all day, not to hard to pick up. I just have no idea how they work.”

Tony gives him a questioning nod. “I guess that’s fair, the way they work is very boring and complicated, so I’ll spare you that.”

Bucky can feel the spark of challenge and curiosity in himself. “Try me.”

The beam that Tony gives him is on par with his excitement as he explodes into an explanation. 

…

“So the repulsor technology is what makes the suit fly?”

“Exactly!” Tony grins, and Bucky’s right along with him, it’s been  _ decades _ since Bucky could fuel his scientific curiosity and Tony seems perfectly happy to give him as much as he wants. Even praising him for his knowledge.

“Flying cars.” Bucky states. The fact coming to him with sparkling clarity. “Tony you’re father said, look I was promised flying cars.”

Tony merely arched an eyebrow at him, both crowded around the work bench staring at holograms. “I’ve made hover jets Barnes. Do you have any idea how easy it would be to make you a flying car.”

“But Howard couldn’t-”

“I’m much better than Howard.” Tony stated. Bringing a new screen up to start the schematic. “You’re getting that damn car.”

And that’s the point Jarvis informs them, Stevie was asking for access. Which with the new lack of his confiscated shield was granted. Bucky could barely handle his excitement, practically bouncing.

“Stevie you will not believe this! Stark is a damn  _ Genius _ and we’re finally going to get our flying car and-” He stops in his tracks, seeing the dark pout on his best friends face. “What the hell is wrong with you this time?”

Stevie the petulant child he is, frowns harder. “I’m hip right?”

Bucky’s already calling Jarvis to summon Rhodes as Tony simultaneously tells Steve. “No, definitely not.” Pausing slightly as he takes Steve in. “Old women like you though. I think it’s the wholesome apple pie attitude.”

Bucky grits his teeth. As Steve sulks further. “Fine, I’ll bite. Why do you care if you’re ‘hip’ Steve?”

“I thought kids liked me!” He muttered. “They always used to pretend to be me.”

“Actually,” Tony states. “If we’re going based on marketing and merchandise, the kiddie winks prefer the Hulk.”

Bucky gives him a death stare, “You’re not helping.” He hisses.

“Facts are facts,” Tony says. “No point in lying.”

Bucky rolls his eyes as he turns back to the larger dumbass in the room. “Stevie why do you care if kids like you?”

Please let Rhodes magically show up and take him away from this nightmare.

“I went to Peter's science fair.”

“Wait what?” Tony yells. “Why?”

“Because he did his project on my shield.” Steve huffs. “Why wouldn't I go?”

“Because he’s my apprentice? Because you don’t know anything about science? Because Captain America has  _ no damn reason  _ to go to a science fair?”

Bucky turned to Tony at the spite clear in his voice. A pout clear on his lips.

“Wait hold on what’s wrong with  _ you? _ ”

“Nothing.” Tony states, arms crossed. “Nothing, it’s fine. Everything’s completely fine.”

“This is a trap.” Bucky mutters. “I know that Fine is a trap. My mother told me Fine is a trap.”

Steve clears his throat, clearly trying to get the attention back to himself. “So I went to the science fair-”

“For no good reason-” Bucky eyed Tony warrily. 

“And the kids were…” Stevie trailed off.

Bucky sighed, his eyes never leaving the lil engineer. “The kids were what Stevie?”

“They were mean.”

Bucky's head flew to the larger man. “ _ The kids were mean? _ You came down here and stopped us from building flying cars, because  _ the kids were mean.” _

“You don’t understand Buck!” Steve said. “They called me Captain constipated.”

The laugh that slipped out left even Bucky by surprise. From the look on Stevies face he didn’t appreciate it.

“And then, the teachers tried to explain, well you know  _ the  _ story and called me a hero and this kid shouted ‘He’s a stale piece of white bread is what he is!’ What does that even mean?”

Bucky was out right cackling at this point. “So you actually came down here because you were bullied by teenagers?”

“You don’t understand Buck.” Steve pouted. “It was like I was that sickly kid from the forties all over again. I wanted to take them outside.”

“Stevie,” Bucky states, sobering instantly. “For the love of god you can not throw hands with any teenagers.”

“WHAT?” Ah, good timing on Rhodes part, as always.

Bucky never used to consider himself a snitch, Stevie changed so much about him. “Stevie was just explaining to us how he was bullied by teenagers.”

Rhodes couldn’t look more disappointed if he tried. Arms firmly folded. “Excuse me?”

“Well Peter took me to his science fair and-”

Rhodes head whipped from the sulking soldier towards his best friend. Eying Tony like a bomb that was five seconds from exploding.  _ Well that’s not a good sign. _ Before grabbing Stevie by the ear and forcing the yowling giant from the lab. “Fix this!” He hissed just before the door slid closed.

Bucky couldn’t help but stare after the pair, Stevie trying to prize himself from the Colonals fingers.

“Well that was strange.”

Silence.

“Tony?”

But Tony’s staring after the pair, frown still firmly planted on his lips.

“You good?”

Tony nods, walking towards his small office chair and taking a bottle from the shelf. Pouring himself a generous helping of the liquid.

Bucky’s not exactly sure what to do in this situation, but he’s fairly sure he needs to stop it. Whatever  _ it _ is.

“Wanna carry on working?”

He ignores him as he pulls up a new screen. “Jay, call Keener.”

The calls picked up on the second ring and the screen lights up with a ball of blonde hair and too blue eyes that seem to rattle. “Tony! You’ll never guess what I just managed to do, it’s so awesome and I bet no one else is going to stand a chance against me at the next convention, you’re coming right? You promised? I know it’s in Tennesse and your in New York but-”

Bucky let out a sigh of relief as Tony’s frown slowly grew into a smile throughout the boys rant.

“Of course I’ll come Harls, someone’s gotta be there to monitor the new up and coming genius right?”

The boy just about  _ beams _ at that. And Bucky can’t help but edge closer.

“Hey Tony, who’s this?”

The screech from the screen all but annihilates Tony’s attempt at an introduction.

“Oh my god you’re the winter soldier!” The teenager screams. “I can not believe I get to meet you, it’s an honour sir, your arm is a scientific marvel and I loved the way you came back from the dead!” 

“Uh thanks kid?” Bucky tries.

“I came back from the dead too.” Tony muttered. Small smile fading back again.

“Not like he did! Oh my god I can’t believe I’m meeting him Tony. He’s my favourite superhero!”

Tony’s face turned to stone at that. “I’m going through a tunnel.” He grits out. Ending the teenagers raving with a flick of his hand.

Bucky’s eyebrows raise as the genius stands back up with a groan, walking towards the bots charging stations.

“Dum-E I’m still your favourite right?” He shouts, the bot beeping excitedly in response as it zooms towards him. “That’s what I thought you’re daddy’s special-” 

A large wack sweeps through the workshop, Bucky flinching on impact as Dum-E the over excited puppy he is hit Tony at full speed. The man flopping to the floor on impact, his whisky glass, still somehow in his hand as he stares up at the ceiling.

“I live in a house of betrayal.” He states, making no move to get up. “Betrayal and lies.”

Bucky is man enough to admit he has no idea what to do with that. He just hopes the  **Tony Stark rule book ™** did so he decides to leave Tony alone for a few minutes to find it. He’s sure when he returns from his room Tony will have at least cooled off slightly.

The list is firmly back in his pocket as he heads to the communal kitchen, hoping a fresh cup of coffee will at least slightly help the situation when he spots the teenager studying a text book on the kitchen table.

“You.” Bucky states. “Follow me.”

“Uhm excuse me Mr Barnes? Are you talking to me?”

“Now Parker.” He ordered, holding the elevator open.

The boy scrambled from his stool chasing after him and Bucky tried not to let him see just how endearing it was.

“Uhm Sir? Mr Barnes Sir?” Peter asked hands wringing together as the elevator moved. “Where are we going?”

Bucky arched an eyebrow, “The lab.” He answered.

“Oh!” Peter sighed, his nervousness swapped to excitement instantly.”Does Mr Stark want help? Are we upgrading my suit? Are we upgrading his suit? Does Dum-E need-”

And Bucky understood it now.  **Rule 5: If the idiot gets sad, just throw Parker at him.** The kid was damn sunshine mixed with a golden retriever but it didn’t stop the fact that they had two sulking dumbasses and this kid was the common denominator. So he let the kid carry on with his ramblings as he all but bounced on the spot until they got to the workshop and the image stopped the poor kid in his tracks.

Tony hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor, his arms still spread wide as he glared daggers above. Dum-E, Butterfingers and U all having formed a circle around the man, patting him gently.

“You like me right Jarvis? I’m still your favourite right?”

“Sir, you have and will always be as you say, my favourite.”

Tony just nods, not even noting the metal claws surrounding him. “At least one of the kids like me.”

Peter looked to Bucky for the answers he didn’t have but he just stared blankly at the apparent genius on the floor.

“...Hi Mr Stark?”

“Oh if it isn’t traitor number one.” Tony mutters, still unmoving. “Couldn’t find Cap?”

Peter somehow managed to look even more confused. “Why would I do that?”

Bucky decided to throw the kid a bone as Tony just glared further into space. “You took him to the science fair kid.”

Bucky doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone turn such a bright red so quickly. “Okay, I know it was a dick move, but hear me out here, he makes me want to die.”

Bucky was expecting a lot of things but not that, and he motions for the kid to continue.

“Every detention, every gym class, every  _ everything _ we have to watch a video of his smug face telling us to be better!” Peter states. “I would like to fight him. Very much. And so does everyone in my school. I figured he should know that an entire generation despise him.”

Bucky eyes the kid with suspicion. “You took Stevie to your school for revenge?”

“No.” Peter tries. Then rethinks. “Kinda? I don’t know I like him in real life I guess? But all teenagers are conditioned to hate him. So I kind of wanted to see what would happen? You know if they actually met him? We have a fight Rogers club at school. He should know that.”

Oh my god, Stevie may actually end up throwing hands with teenagers. He had to warn Rhodes.

“I don’t even  _ know _ how you thought that was a-”

But Tony had made him way up, from the floor walking towards them and Bucky figured he’d leave it up to him to sort this nonsense out except-

Tony threw his arm around the kid. “Come on underoo’s.” He stated. “We’re getting ice cream.”

“What.” Bucky tried.

“Really?” The kid grinned.

“Hell yeah, what flavour do you want?”

“Stark raving hazelnut!” The boy chimed as they walked from the lab.

“Damn right.” Tony grinned right back.

“What?” Bucky questioned again as he watched them walk away, once again left in the workshop by himself.

Except this time Tony seemed to notice doubling back and poking his head through the door. “Come on Robocop, ice cream.”

“I get to come too?” Bucky asks, still unmoving.

“Duh.” Tony eye rolls holding the door open and Bucky may not get it. But it doesn’t stop the small smile on his face. As he follows the two.

“So you actually have your own ice cream flavour?”

“Oh yeah.” Tony winks. “We should actually call about getting you one, Winter Soldier would be a  _ perfect _ ice cream name don’t you think?”

It’s not until they’re back, Peter safe at home,, ice cream cones in hand as they take the elevator to the common area that Bucky finally gets the nerve to ask the question that was eating away at him.

“You’re taking this whole swapping thing real well.” Bucky states, eying the man.

“It’s nice.” Tony shrugs. “Rhodey’s the best but we’re both busy, he doesn’t have time to just run off and get ice cream ya know?”

Bucky’s heart melted, just a little bit. “We can get ice cream whenever you want.” He says, his voice gruffer than he meant it to be.

Tony lights up at that. “Really?”

Jesus christ. Bucky may die. “Really.”

The content hum he’s given makes it worth it as the doors open.

“Rogers for the last time, you can not do this bullshit!”

“Look, I let you and Bucky play this stupid little game but I am a grown ass man.” Stevie shouts both him and Rhodes glaring at each other. “And I am fully capable of doing whatever I deem necessary.”

“I will call Pepper on your ass if you so much as  _ look _ at our PR script wrong.” Rhodes hisses. And Steves eye’s snap from anger to fear. 

“You wouldn’t.”

The smug look on Rhodes face tells him he wouldn’t just do it. He’d  _ relish _ in it. “Try me, you think I’m stopping your white nonsense? Watch Pepper destroy it, you crusty ass piece off white bread.”

“What does that even  _ mean. _ ”

“It means I’m  _ sick  _ of you.”

Bucky eyes the two men as they both slope on the couch. “Who’s Pepper?” He whispers.

“A goddess among men.” Tony replies, without missing a beat. Bucky just nods in understanding.

But apparently that small conversation was enough to put them both on the other mens radar.

“You.” Rhodes shouts, finger flailing at Bucky. “How on earth have you survived this long with this idiot?”

They both choose to ignore Steves outraged “Hey!”

As Bucky answers with a shrug, arms folded, eyebrow burrowed and questions “How come you never take Tony out for ice cream?”

The sigh that leaves Rhodes shows its clearly an old argument. “He’s a grown ass man!”

“You went for ice cream?” Steve interrupts. 

Tony nods, smile still clear on his lips. “We went with underoo’s, Buckaroo even tried Hulka Hulka burning fudge.”

Stevies eyebrow arches as he turns to Rhodes. “Can we go for ice cream?”

“No.” 

“Why not?”

“Because you’re a hundred years old go get your own damn ice cream.”

Bucky turns to Tony as the two men continue to argue.

“Workshop?”

“Workshop.”

It’s just as the elevator doors begin to close they hear Stevie hiss “This isn’t fair Tony’s building Bucky a flying car and all I’m getting is yelled at!”

“Tony’s what?” Rhodes shouts the words reverberating through the room.

_ Oh. Oh no. _

The last thing Bucky see’s before the door close is Rhodes angry glare.

“Can we um,” Bucky scratches the back of his neck. “can we get rid of Rhodes access to the lab?”

Tony barely looks up from the rapid typing on his phone. “Already on it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would die for Deb.
> 
> This is super chaotic and I blame ya'll for enabling me.

Bucky was starting to think he may actually have the easier side of this bet as he sat on the workshops ratty couch reading an old paper back of Steves. Tony tinkering away on a work bench over to his side. The man seemed far less prone to the nonsense that Rhodes had so warned him about. He had even told the man, after he’d hunted him down and demanded answers about the flying car, that was still very much in the works. Rhodes had laughed at him, told him he had no idea what was to come, but the engineer was still just happily tinkering away. It was relaxing honestly.

Until Clint decided to throw himself from the vents and almost give him a heart attack that is.

He didn’t know whose mental state to be more worried for, Clint for apparently having no self preservation when it came to hights or Tony for not even flinching when the man landed at his side.

“Tones.” Clint yelped, eyes mapping the room in search of a threat. “You gotta-”

“Arrow prototypes are over there.” Tony states, not even blinking. As he points to the table. “Go check em out.”

“You’re the best.” Clint grins, plopping a wet kiss to the engineers cheek, that Tony wipes away with a grimace.

“Yeah, yeah.” He hums as Clint rushes over to them, slouching on the table as he twirls one with his fingers.

“What the hell is going-”

“Clint!”

“-on.” Bucky stops, Staring dumbly at a very angry, very  _ sparkly  _ Bruce Banner.

“Brucey, you look…” Tony’s eyes roam the scientists body. “Dashing? No that’s not quite it.”

“Gleaming?” Clint questions. Eyebrow arched in thought.

Tony shakes his head, “Shining?”

Bucky closes his book with a groan. “Tony, please do not further anger the man that becomes a giant rage monster.” Turning to give Bruce a sympathetic smile. “No offense.”

Bruce waved him off, “If I couldn’t handle a little teasing, Tony would’ve died a long time ago.” Bucky’s not a fan of the smug grin Tony throws his way at that one. “A certain glitter wielding Archer on the other hand? Jury's out.” 

Clint had the gall to scrunch his nose up at that. “What are you talking about? I’ve been here the whole time.”

Which is the biggest load of bullshit Bucky has ever heard and Bruce is clearly thinking the same thing.

Tony on the over hand has the absolute  _ nerve _ to nod along, face serious as he states “I asked Clint to check out the dexterity of the new arrow prototypes, he’s been here for hours.” Like it's a fact.

Glitter falls to the floor as Bruce folds his arms. Clearly not buying it for a second. “No.”

Tony’s eyebrows raise as he copies Bruce's stance. “What do you mean no?”

“You are not lying for him again Tony, you do this every time.”

Tony’s nose goes high in the air at that, looking like a petulant toddler. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Last week you told Fury that Clint had never heard of France.” Bruce states dead eyed. “The entire country of  _ France  _ Tony.”

“He hasn’t.” Tony states.

“His middle name is  _ Francis _ Tony.”

“ _ Tony. _ ” Bucky exclaims, in both shock and horror. But the man doesn’t even flinch. Both scientists staring each other down and Bucky realised they were at a stalemate. He had to pick a side and even though Tony’s was clearly the wrong one. He had to stick by his dumbass, nonsense and all. So with a huff he just about grits out,“Your last name is Banner. Doesn’t mean you know everything about em.”

Bruce's look of betrayal has nothing on Tony and Clints grins of  _ victory. _ Bucky doesn’t quite know why, but Tony looking that ecstatic definitely made the lie taste sweeter. And he answered it with a small smile of his own.

Bruce apparently disagreed, “No, absolutely not.” He stated, disappointment clear in his tone. “These two already have one terrifying russian assassin at their backs, two is damn right unfair.”

“You snooze you lose Brucey baby.” Tony shrugged, grin still very much clear on his face. “He’s mine, I’ve claimed him.”

“You can’t just claim a-” 

But Clint was already skipping towards Bucky arm wrapping around his back, “Awesome! Welcome to the family bro!”

Bucky shoved the offending arm away from him. “I am not your  _ bro _ .” He hissed. “I am no one's  _ bro, _ no one gets to call me  _ bro.” _

“Can  _ I _ call you bro?”

“No Tony.”

“Awh, bro no.” Clint sighs, and Bucky can feel a vein throbbing. Even if he chooses to ignore it.

“And you can’t just  _ claim _ a person.”

Tony gives him a  _ look. “ _ I claimed Clint.”

“Clint is a pet at best.” Bucky states arms folded. “And if anyone had claimed me it would be Steve right? Like ninety years ago.”

Tony looked him over thoughtfully, Clint though apparently had no such issue. “Did he call dibs?” He questions, eyebrow high.

“Does it matter?” Bucky huffs. “We’ve been best friends for ninety years.”

But both Clint and Tony were nodding at that. “Dibs is very important.”

“And I’m calling it. Dibs. I dibs you.” Tony shouts, finger pointed in his direction.

Bucky’s mouth opens, closes, opens again. But all that seems to come out is a resounding “ _ Fine.” _

Clint let out a woomp of triumph. “We are so getting T-shirts.”

Bucky’s sure his face tells them exactly what he thinks of  _ that  _ idea.

Bruce seemed to mirror Bucky’s thoughts. “Tony you can’t just steal peop-”

“Anthony Edward Stark!” A female voice screamed in the distance. Bucky almost falling from the couch at the tone.

“Never mind.” Bruce says walking briskly towards the door as Clint all but bolted back to his vent. “It’s fine, everythings fine.”

“This is not good.” Tony muttered, the click clack of heels growing closer. As he attempts to wipe sweat from his brow. “This is really, really not good. One may even call it bad.”

Bucky could feel a shiver building down his spine, so far he’d watched Tony cuddle up to a murdery Black Widow and tease the man that could destroy  _ cities _ if angered. Exactly who on earth could scare him?

The fire haired woman walked through the door, lethal grace and blank faced on her pointed heels as she eyed her prey.

“Pep? Light of my life, fire to my soul, calm to my storm?” Tony tried hands held firmly where the woman can see them. “What a lovely surprise, what brings you here?”

“Ooooh.” Bucky says, the facts clicking into place. “Pep? Pepper? The goddess among men right?”

Pepper threw a warning glance his way and Bucky felt his mouth click shut before she turned back to Tony. “You adopted another pet assassin?”

Bucky bristled at that and from the disgruntled “Hey!” from the vents, Clint felt similar. Tony though didn’t seem to mind.

“Technically that’s on Rhodey. So if that’s why I’m in trouble-”

“That’s not even  _ close  _ to my problem Tony.” She grilled. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or at least tell  _ someone _ in the company?”

Tony blinked at her. “Okay,” He stated, scratching at his temples. “Now I’m lost.”

Bucky could hear the woman grinding her teeth from the couch. “You,” She grinded. “Running for president? Sounding familiar?”

Tony squinted at that. “President of  _ what  _ Pep?”

The long suffered sigh she spilled could be felt in Bucky’s bones. “Of America, Tony.”

“What?” Bucky screamed, jumping from his seat.

“I am doing no such thing!” Tony yelped, eyes wide as he searched for the joke Pepper must be playing. “I don’t want America Pep! If I got America I’d end up forcing you to run it, and you work way too much as it is. I can’t do that, Pep, I can’t have America, I need you to put it back.”

The frown on her lips somehow sunk deeper. “No, you can’t be serious.”

“Pep. I don’t want America. I don’t even think America can  _ afford  _ me.” Tony groaned, his hands sinking further into his hair. “There’s gotta be a way out of this. I’m an Avenger right? That  _ has _ to be a conflict of interest,  _ right?” _

“Evidently not.” Pepper states, the tone far to calm for this ludicrous situation. But Bucky feels like he has to at least try to bring some sanity to the room.

“So it’s fine right?” Bucky asks, because he’s apparently the only person in this entire building with logic. “It’s not like he’s actually running. There’s no way he can win without him knowing. This’ll all blow over.”

Pepper eyed him speculatively. Before turning back to Tony. “James really left you with this guy?”

“He’s trying his best.”

“Excuse me?” Bucky stated, moving closer to the pair, because he’s  _ right _ god damn it, and he’s  _ sick  _ of people pretending he’s not. No one accidentally becomes the leader of a country for crying out loud. “Is there something I’m missing here?”

“Well…” Tony tries, coming up short, Pepper seems to notice and takes over for the frantic looking genius.

“What you are missing Mr Barnes.” Pepper states blandly, eying the man besides him. “Is that he’s Tony Stark.”

Bucky likes to think he knew that much at least, thank you very much. And he says as much, which somehow ends with Peppers cool stare piercing through him. Bucky hadn’t felt that level of coldness since his cyro days.

“Tony Stark, the owner of Stark industries.” She recites, in a tone Bucky’s fairly sure is more useful scolding a particularly slow toddler. “Stark industries, Who’s PR department convinced the world that a Billionaire playboy was a pillar of the entire planets integrity, who, with the lawyers convinced the US  _ senate  _ that the Iron man armour wasn’t a weapon, but a high tech  _ prosthesis. _ The very same Lawyers who made contracts stating that said billionaire playboy  _ privatized world peace. _ ” She hissed. Eying the engineer that was slowly folding into himself as though she’d happily gut him. “Stark Industries employees take everything Tony does in their stride and they  _ revel _ in the challenge. Tony for president? Sure they’ll play. But it’s never playing,  _ because they always win.” _

“Tony.” Bucky groans, eyes firmly tracking the womans movements. “Exactly how likely are you to become president?” 

He can’t have it. He  _ can’t _ , Tony can not have been in his care for four days and screw up  _ this  _ bad. Stevie will never let him live it down.

Tony chews on his lips as he contemplates that. “How far is Deb in this?”

“Six hours.” Pepper states curtley, 

The sound that came from Tony’s mouth sounded like a wounded animal. “I’ve won it.”

“I don’t know who Deb is, but make her stop.”

The horror that brought to the engineer's face was terrifying. “Deb can’t be stopped.”

Pepper nodded along, “She has a brilliant work ethic.”

“She scares the bejeezus out of me.” Tony states seriously. “No one scares me, no one,  _ Pepper _ doesn’t scare me.”

“I should.”

“Noted.” Tony waves off. “But if you’re not Mama Rhodes or Deb I will not.”

“Really?” Bucky questions, eyebrow high. “You’re best friends with the Black Widow but you’re best pals mama and a PR lady scare you? They’re the kicker?”

“Tough words from someone who never met Deb.” Tony pointed. “I can’t tell her to stop Pep, you have to do it.”

“Ohoh no way.” Pepper said. “I’m not brave enough for that, man up or become President they’re your only options.”

“President.” Tony states, with his whole chest. “I choose President.”

“Tony.” Bucky sighs. He can actually  _ feel  _ himself missing Stevies nonsense. “You can’t just become president because you’re worried about making a PR lady mad.”

“Watch me.” Tony hisses, his hand still firmly planted in his hair. “How did this even start?”

“A tweet.” Pepper says blandly.

“A  _ TWEET?” _ Bucky screeches, because there's no way in hell this is happening. “I have to stop this  _ idiot  _ from becoming president of the USA because of a stupid line someone typed in  _ social media? _ ”

Pepper didn’t even look ruffled as she glared daggers at Tony. “Not someone. Tony. It was Tony’s tweet.”

“What? What Tweet?” Tony asks, Bambi eyes fully wide. “I wrote no tweet?”

“Really?” Pepper questioned eyebrows raised. “If Donald Trump could do it, anyone can, I may as well give it a shot? Ring any bells?”

“Oh.” Tony murmurs. “ _ That  _ tweet.”

The rage that burned in the womans eyes at that had Bucky hiding the genius behind him. “Ma’am you are super scary.” The sharp smile that caused made Bucky gulp. Hard. “And while justified, I can’t let you kill this idiot. For bet related reasons.”

“What about Gail in legal?” Tony chimed in from behind him. “She’s told Deb no before.”

“Oh my god.” Bucky hissed. Throwing his hands up in frustration. “I will go talk to Deb.”

“Really?” Pepper questioned, giving him a very judgemental assessment. “You’re going to handle Deb?”

“You’re no Gail.” Tony squawked.

Bucky huffed. “I have been through physical torture, I was experimented on by Nazi’s, I am the longest known prisoner of war, I think I can handle a lady that works in a small office.”

Pepper gives him another one of those long looks, finally giving in with a nod. “Fine. Tony, press conference at six to stop this mess. Do not be late.”

“Roger that.” He says, throwing a mock salute towards her, Pepper doesn’t quite hide the small amused smile as she exits the shop.

  
  


Bucky had never been more wrong about anything. Ever. And he once thought Steve Rogers would calm down eventually. He could not handle Deb. He wasn’t sure the world could handle Deb, and he most certainly never wanted to try again in the future.

“Why.” Bucky grits out as he enters the lab. “Do you surround yourself.” He wacks the genius across the back of his head, “With the most terrifying women.” Waits for him to look up from his project so he can stare into his eyes. “I have ever met?”

The shrug he gets makes him hit him again. “The fact you thought I had any choice in the matter is very flattering.”

“You hired them!”

“Pft.” Tony waves. “They hired themselves, I was just there.”

Before he can dissect  _ that  _ information there’s a rattle on the glass door. Nat leaning against it, already inside, eying them with a humorous smile.

Where the hell did she even come from.

“Heard about the campaign Tones.” She hums, “I take it I’m about to become the head of the secret service soon?”

“Absolutely.” Tony waves off. Causing Bucky to flip his head to him.

“ _ Tony.” _

“What?” He asks defensively. “Look at her, she’d be perfect for the job.”

Natashas smile gets deadlier.

Bucky restrains himself from pulling his hair out. It should be Tony going bald. Not him. “You’re not running for damn president.” He growls. “Remember?”

Natasha’s next to Tony like a shot. Baring her teeth, “And why wouldn’t he? You got a problem here Barnes?” Bucky’s hands shoot above his head, a clear sign he’s weaponless. As he tries to look as un-intimidating as humanly possible. But Natasha doesn’t seem to buy it, eying him like he’s her next meal.

“Pep said no.” Tony waved off, almost boredly. And Bucky’s beginning to get offended at how little he apparently cares if one of the  _ many  _ dangerous women in his life kill him.

“Ah,” Nat hummed. “Never mind then, wouldn’t want to anger Pepper.”

“Damn straight.” Tony grins bumping shoulders with the now calm assassin. The smile he gets in return is full of affection. And Bucky wants to scream. 

“You coming to dinner tonight?” She asks, ruffling his brown locks. “I could save you a spot.”

Tony nods in agreement. “Just gotta do the press conference and I’ll be right up.”

“Okay Antoshka.” She hums giving him a small peck to his cheek. “See you later.” 

She throws one more parting glare Bucky’s way for good measure, before leaving the room. Letting Bucky finally release the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I’m done.” Bucky says, plainly, into the air. “I am leaving for the day.” He gives himself a nod. “I hope you and your army of terrifying women are very happy together.”

Tony eyes him warily. “You good?”

“No.” Bucky laughs, heading for the exit. “No, none of today has been even slightly good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It’s only Tony’s small voice that stops him at the door, he’s not even sure he’d hear him if it wasn’t for his enhanced hearing. “You’re coming back?”

“Obviously.” Bucky huffs, heading for the closest beer he can find.

  
  


Rhodes finds him an hour later, sunk into the couch, three beers deep, staring blankly at a TV he hadn’t bothered to turn on.

“So, you finally saw a genius dumbass at work huh?” He says, plopping himself beside him.

Bucky doesn’t answer, doesn’t even turn towards the man. “Your ma scary?”

The cackle he receives at that is answer enough for him. But Rhodes still answers. “She gave Pepper Potts a shovel talk,” He laughed. “You’ll understand how bad that is when you meet her.”

“Oh.” Bucky breathed, still unmoved. “I met her.” 

“Oh he fucked up.” Rhodes muttered.

“Yep.” Bucky says, popping the P. “You didn’t think to mention your Genius only had two fears?”

Bucky felt Rhodes wince beside him. “Didn’t even know he had two to be fair.”

“Yep.” Bucky repeats, eyes never leaving the TV. “Ones your ma. The other’s-”

“Deb.” Rhodes finishes. “Understandably, that woman is something else.”

“I know.” Bucky drains his beer. “I met her.”

“Oh so he  _ really  _ fucked up.”

Bucky nodded. “How’s Stevie?” He asked, needing to know he wasn’t the only one going through this.

But Rhodes just shrugged, “No teenagers have been punched. I’m calling it a win.”

Bucky nodded again, and let the conversation end, done with just about everything and enjoying the peace and quiet while he could. That is of course until the Colonel's phone began to buzz.

“Pep? What’s up?” The man questioned into the phone. “Wait Pep- Slow down- What do you mean he- WHAT?”

Bucky’s head whipped to Rhodes, Fear clear in his eyes as the man searched one handed for the remote. 

“Barnes.” Oh Bucky did not like that tone.  _ At all.  _ “Please tell me you didn’t let my boy go to a press conference by himself.” Something from his expression must have told him everything he needed to know. “Rule Ten man! If there’s a script he’ll throw it!”

What in the hell did that even mean? As if in answer the TV flashed to life, showing Tony on a platform in the lobby of the tower, dressed to the nines as he slouched over a podium. Eyebrow raised in challenge, press smile bright and bulging.

“You know what Christine, that’s a great point. I’d look fantastic in the white house.”

Bucky choked on his own tongue. As a blonde reporter cleared her throat. “Actually Mr Stark, I said how you could change this country for the better.”

“Another solid point!” He shouted, pointing towards the woman. “And that’s why I’m running for presid-” 

Bucky didn’t get to hear the end of that sentence as he flipped from the couch and  _ sprinted  _ to the elevators.

Rhodes watched on with wide eyes as he saw a murderous looking Winter Soldier strut onto the TV screen, grabbing his friend by the scruff of the neck.

“Thrilling television.” He tells Pepper, 

as Bucky shouts to the reporters. “He’s not fucking running for president!” Before carrying the tiny engineer like a sack of potatoes as far from both the mics and reporters as possible.

“What do you mean it’s effective? Pep, he’s giving the country the finger!” Rhodes let out a groan. “Fine. Be on his side.”


End file.
